Thursday, 6 October 2016

I will never lose hope.

After 18 months of dealing with this injury.. its kind of become my "norm". Headaches, neck pain, left side weakness, physio appointments, massage appointments, taking pain medication has become my "normal routine". Although I still hope that these things too shall pass. It can be discouraging knowing I've been dealing with this for so long. Although I've come SO far. It still upsets me. 

A person my age shouldn't have to stop folding laundry because it aggravates my left arm. A person my age shouldn't have to stop crocheting because I start getting a tension headache from using my left arm for too long. A person my age shouldn't be on so many different pain medications that for the longest time I had alarms that would go off every 2 hours to remind me to take another med. 

Unfortunately these things still happen to me and I've learned to live with it. Unfortunately for me when all I want to do is live a normal life. This injury is holding me back from doing that. 

How do you go on with your life as normal when something is holding you back? Something that even if you try and ignore it you can't because you know if you do you'll pay for it later with a headache, pain and maybe even weakness. 

I could throw my hands up in the air and say I give up. This is the hand I've been dealt. Just live with it. 

But I refuse. I will never stop trying to build my strength back. I'll never give up and think this is as good as it gets. Yes some days are harder than others. Yes I have days where I want to scream WHY ME!! But those are the days that make me fight harder. I'm not going to quit on myself now or ever. I've gotten out of worse days and come out stronger from
It. Today is no different. Life is too short to live in the what if.. the why me.. 

God has a plan for your life. He hasn't given up on me or given me anything I can't handle. So why should I give up on myself. I may not always understand His plan and that's ok. Because He has never steered me wrong or turned His back on me. I trust in Him and His plan for my life. 

My journey. My story. His plan. .


Tuesday, 23 August 2016

The girl that I am. The girl that God created me to be. The girl that is beautiful. The girl that is enough.

I know what it’s like to look at a girl and compare yourself to her and the way her body looks. As if you can be compared to any other person on this planet. As if you are not uniquely made. As if your thighs being larger than that girl’s make your chances of being loved smaller. As if your hips being wider than that girl’s make your chances of looking beautiful when you going out slimmer. As if your stomach not being lean makes your chances of being noticed as much as that girl’s pretty fat.
Some days I still wish I could somehow be that girl. I could eat less with that girl in mind. I could work out twice a day and look at that girl as my goal. And, some days I get so caught up in that girl that I lose sight of this girl. 
The girl that I am. The girl that God created me to be. The girl that is beautiful. The girl that is enough.
I lose sight of the girl I am. I lose sight of my own likeness to God. I lose sight of my own beauty. I lose sight of my own potential. I love sight of my own reality. Because I become caught up in the lie that by looking like someone else I become better. More loved. More accepted. More attractive.
Some days the pressures I entertain within my own mind and heart are so heavy that when I look in the mirror I don’t see any of the things I have the potential to be. I don’t see that girl, but, more heartbreakingly, I don’t see this girl. I see a project. I see something to be altered. Tightened. Reduced. Expanded. I see nothing but things to be improved upon. 
When in truth this girl is perfect. Because this girl is healthy. This girl is loved. This girl is smart. This girl is successful. This girl is driven. And this girl has the will power and the faith to keep that girl from distracting her from how beautiful she is.
People exercise and diet to transform themselves. But sometimes, we need a transformation much deeper than one that can be measured by a scale. Sometimes, we need a transformation that can only be achieved through prayer and self-love. 
And sometimes, being able to look into a mirror and see yourself as God sees you is all the measurement you need.

Sunday, 7 August 2016

His glory. His purpose. His timing.

Sometimes it's so easy to look at the place you want to be and forget how far you've come. That can be true when it comes to
wanting to be married, have kids, when it comes to your health. Whatever your goal may be. 

My goal right now is my health and getting my body/strength back, being pain free, being headache free. That's where I am at this point. Is it frustrating! Hell yeah. I thought I'd be married and have kids at this point. But God had another plan for me. Do I know why what happened to me happened. No I don't, but I have faith in God. He doesn't guarantee us a perfect life. But He does give you the strength you need to get through whatever trial you are going through.

Each one of us has our own trial. I don't know what you are going through. Just like you may not know what I am going through. That's why we shouldn't judge people. They might be just going through a really tough time. Especially as christians, we are called to uplift each other. Do you know someone who is struggling and you've been thinking about helping them. With a phone call? A meal? Just a message? I know I could be more giving. I could pray for people more often than I do. 

I know everytime I get together with someone, I can feel stressed out before it. But once they are here I always feel uplifted. Anything I was worried about.. if the house was clean enough, if the dogs will be ok.. whatever it might be. It just goes away, and I'm left with just feelings of a really nice visit. 

Although life can be stressful and frustrating. Whatever you might be going through. I pray you have a great support team surrounding you. I lean on my family and friends more than I should. The relationship I have built with some ladies, I just lean on them. I don't know what I would do without them. 

I hope you are blessed by my blogpost. I know I am blessed by writing them. It puts my thoughts down and I always feel better.


Monday, 30 May 2016

My journey • My story • Gods plan

1 year 2 months ago since I stopped working and was put on an injury leave. Over the last year I've had countless test, exams, specialist. I've been in more pain than I thought the human body was possible of handling. But even through all that.. I've never given up HOPE. At any point I could of given up, pick up that cane and continued with my left side getting weaker. Instead through sweat, tears and pain. I worked through it and have come so far. Thanks to my doctor, neurologists, nurse and staff at Almonte, physiotherapist, massage therapist, pharmacist. Just to name a few. I've come SO far. I still have a long way to go. I get so frustrated when I have a set back and my pain comes back and my left arm starts tingling. But I still push through. Because I believe a year from today I won't believe how far I've come. One day at a time.

Injury recovery can be so frustrating!! Because I've put so much  MONEY, TIME and DEDICATION into getting better. 2 times a week of exercises, + massages and + doctors appointments. It takes up so much time. But it's worth the time spent. I've seen such amazing improvements. No more walking or relying on my cane. No more daily migraines/tension headaches. No more all over body debilitating pain. Even with all these improvements. I still deal with migraines, Im still on 3 pain killers. 1 I take daily and two others for as needed. I keep telling myself how far I've come and that this healing process although it's been hard. Emotionally and physically. It's worth all the pain. It just can be frustrating when I'm feeling better so I get more active and than it sets me back and my left side pain comes back and all the progress I made gets put on hold as I have to take my other pain medication again and have to take it easy and rest and stretch the muscles at my workout instead of strength building.

So how do I stay POSITIVE and see the good. When it can be frustrating and such a slow process..? I'm really struggling with this..

But than I remember my story, my journey, ... Gods plan.

That's a big one. Because my human self wants it fixed right now. I want to move on and not look back. I want to not have the set backs. I want to be pain free. I want to be off my medications.

 I want I want I want ... See?? There's a lot of "I" in there. But what about Gods plan. Is He not writing a perfect story for me? Does He not have a plan for me? SO why can't I be patient and trust in Him. Because my selfish human self takes over and I focus on myself instead of focusing on Him.

I'm trying my best to see the good and the IMPROVEMENT and focus on that. But I still have days that are hard.


Why do we always remember the negative?

I woke up feeling sad and didn’t even want to get out of bed.
I could tell it wasn’t going to be a good day, but it hadn’t even started. I wondered what was wrong with me, and why I felt down even before I got up.
Then I remembered, I’d had a big disagreement with my mom the day before! We’d worked everything out and apologized, but those early morning hours were filled with thoughts of negative things we had said to each other.
I knew if I was going to change the way I felt, I had to change what I remembered. Instead of remembering the argument, I chose to remember what was said in our apologies and what was felt in our hugs, before we walked away.

- Renee Swope

We've all done this, or at least I have. I dread conflict or the thought that someone is mad or upset with me. I'm quite the people pleaser. To a fault. I'm learning to have a healthy balance between being generous and giving of myself. But also protecting myself and watching out for people that take advantage of other people. I am slowly learning to stand up for myself and that its ok! You don't have to let people run all over you. I've always had a great relationship with the people close to me. I'm not afraid to speak my mind or give my opinion. Sometimes to a fault. I especially know this of myself when it comes to family. Man am I stubborn!! Ask my husband. He's a saint when it comes to dealing with me sometimes! Lol I know this of myself. It's a good quality when used properly. When I set my mind to something nothing can stop me! But when it comes to things that I should let go of. I can't!! It honestly takes everything in me to let something go sometimes. So how do you find a balance? When you figure it out please let me know! My husband will thank you! Haha. 

I have a bad habit of going over things in my head and if it's bad enough I'll loose sleep over it and I'll stress about it. Why do we seem to focus on the negative? Reply something over and over again in our heads hoping for a different outcome? It's always going to be the same. We can't change the past. But we can learn from our mistakes. So instead of worrying or stressing about how you wish you could change it. its hard! It's human nature. But don't worry about the past or the future. All we have is right now! If you need to right a wrong. Do it. If you need to apologize, swallow your pride and do it. I am writing this more for myself than anyone else. I have a very hard time admitting I'm wrong. It again comes back to my stubbornness. It's something I struggle with and Jon has really helped me to admit when I'm wrong and apologize. He's taught me to let go. Now I'm still human and I'm definitely far from perfect. But it's all a learning process! 

Hope everyone is enjoying this warm weather! Stay cool and try to not let negative people take over your joy. It can be hard to stay positive when surrounded by negative people. Do your best to surround yourself with people that lift you up. If you are surrounded by negative people try to lead by example and keep your chin up!


Thursday, 28 April 2016

Do you find yourself obsessed with cleaning your house?

I recently had a long conversation with a good friend of mine about keeping a clean home. We were both on the same page. We both like to keep a clean and organized home. BUT also living in our home. That means if theres dishes to be done, or dust on the shelves but we want to relax and enjoy time with our husbands or her with her new baby. We will spend time with them and not worry about the dishes as they can be done another time and its OK to live in your home and not have a Instagram home. 

When I say that I mean, keep a clean home. I vacuum, wash the floors, do laundry etc. and keep up with my household chores. But theres some people that can't leave the dishes or just obsess over how their house looks and forget theres more to life than a clean house. 

I grew up in a clean home, my Mom taught me to keep my room clean and organized and we all had household chores. But at the same time if we had dinner and decided to start a board game we weren't forced to clean the kitchen instead of enjoying time spent with family. I loved that my Mom was laid back in that sense. When people came to visit we would do a big clean and our house was always tidy. But there never was stress put on us to keep it perfect! 

I have brought that same attitude into my house now that I'm married and have a house of my own. My house is always clean and well organized. But its not perfect! Its OK to live in your house!! lol I'm not a slob by any means! I just think people can take it to one extreme to another.

I have met people on both sides, people that just leave everything and their house is a disaster! I mean gross.. like hoarder and dirty.. just unclean and unsafe! But than I've met people that are obsessed with keeping their house perfect!

I think both sides are unhealthy. Now thats just my opinion. Of course some people will disagree with me! But I don't lose sleep if I have dirty laundry and I don't lose sleep if we haven't done the dishes. But I like having a organized house. So I feel like I have a happy medium between the two ways I've seen people live. 

I think its up to how you want to live and how you choose to keep your house. Again this is just my opinion and how I choose to keep my house. I know not everyone LOVES organizing like I do and I know some people do lose sleep over having a messy house. I just urge you not to get caught up in all these Instagram/bloggers out there that show one side of their house and you are like 
MY HOUSE IS NEVER LIKE THAT! Because I bet you they cleaned and wiped down that side and took a photo while their kids were down for a nap. Don't stress yourself if your house isn't perfect! Set realistic goals, clean and manage your house to the best of your ability. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed with trying to be perfect, and enjoy time with your Mom, your family, your husband, your children, your grandchildren what ever stage you are in who ever you have in your life. Its a constant struggle to find a happy balance.

What are your thoughts? How do you keep your house? 

I hope everyone is enjoying their spring cleaning inside and out! Maybe thats what got my mind on all this. All the spring cleaning and organizing I'm doing in my house :)

Have a blessed weekend,

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Spring is more than just cleaning... It's a new beginning!

Today is going to be a busy Saturday. Spring cleaning outside at our place, helping my Dad get his boat ready, than dinner at the Mains house.

 It was leg day yesterday.. Hope my muscles can keep me upright today. Lol with a busy day like today. Maybe it wasn't a great idea to have leg day on a Friday. After a full day of baby sitting. lol 

 it feels good to have the warm weather and I hope it's here to stay. This winter wasn't horrible. It just came late, so it felt long. 

I have a spring cleaning list all ready... So the weather better be here to stay! 

Spring cleaning list 

Clean/ organize 

work shop
Chicken coop
Office/craft room 
Kitchen cupboards


Rearrange living room 

Steam clean both rugs 

Built gate for living room 

Put up "Mains" sign 

Spring/summer list 

Build mudroom entrance in family room

Finish chicken coop

Bring mulch over for gardens 

Weed out side garden by dog run

Split plants and bring to back garden 

Put in new mail box post 

I love organizing and having a list to go by. It's been really hard for me to give up the things I love over the past year. It's one of the hardest repercussion of this injury. Is having everything I love, everything I enjoy stripped from me and taken away. Knowing this injury could of been prevented. Kills me. Slowly my strength is coming back. Buts it's been a LONG PAINFUL year for me. First being unable to work and than not even being able to take care of my own home. It leaves me frustrated!! I have my pity parties. But than I pick myself back up again. Because this journey is mine and mine along. I have the strength through Christ to make it through. God has put some amazing people. Family, friends, doctors, physiotherapist, personal trainers, massage therapist in my life to get me through. It's coming on one year since I stopped working. One year since I made a change that needed to happen. One year since I walked away from what I thought was my future career. I don't regret the choices I made over the last 3 years. It's been a journey and you learn from your mistakes. You make choices based on where you are in life. I have more knowledge now than I did. I know my own strength inside and out. 

Spring isn't just about spring cleaning for me. It's a new beginning. It's a next chapter in my life. What direction will my life take over this year. I don't know. I hope for more progress. I hope I haven't hit a platoo in my healing progress. I hope I continue to build strength. I hope the pain goes away to the point I can get off of all my pain medication. Maybe one day.. But for now I'm greatful for the little things,,

Doing laundry by myself
Cooking and cleaning again
Walking 10min (without assistance from a cane)
30min work outs including 30 squats
Only having 2-3 migraines a week instead of daily

Do I wish I could run instead of just walk. Do I wish my knees would have the strength to do that?

Do I wish I could lift more than 5lbs without causing damage and pain to my neck?

Do I wish I was headache free?


But and here's the hardest thing to come to the realization. It takes TIME. One step at a time. One day at a time. One moment. I have the fight in me to NEVER let anything or anyone damage me again. I have the fight to get better and be STRONGER than I was. That strength is in me and always has been. I was born a fighter and I'll never stop. I got through this year. God got me through it. And I will never stop being thankful for how far He has gotten me. 

What are your spring cleaning plans?